Category: Psychology

‘Life is (often) what happens when you are making other plans’ What life is vs what we expect

Has your life turned out exactly as you expected or close to? If yes, are you happy with that?

Or has life thrown you curve balls you never saw coming? Some of which were good some not so good?

Have you been given advice and gone against your better judgement only to regret it later?

Ever fall in love? Were you planning it? Or did it hit you out of nowhere when you least expected it?

Buddhism teaches us that expectations can be dangerous because they set us up for disappointment.  The Dharma teachings include the practicing the art of keeping an open mind, expecting nothing and embracing what-ever life offers as a lesson. I love this.

As we move deeper into adulthood we can get very set in our idea of the way life ‘should’ be.  This is a result of years and years of cultural conditioning from various spheres of influence and can be very deep. However, it can be damaging to never attempt to question these ideas and ‘shoulds’ as holding onto rigid beliefs can really limit our growth, cause us to lose our spontaneity, openness to experience and zest for life. It can also cause us to project these limitations onto those around us.

For these reasons time in quiet solitude can be a magical thing. This helps us to hear our own truth in silence and gives us a break from listening to the influences of everyone around us. Because people are generally well meaning but love to have an opinion, sometimes strongly about how things should go and although this may be valid and logical it may very well not be right for you.

So I encourage you to make space to really listen to your own thoughts and emotions in quiet. Sometimes these can be quite scary and hard to sit with but if we remind ourselves they are just thoughts and emotions and we don’t have to act on them this can make them easier to embrace xx

I hope you can have the courage to listen and follow your own truth in life.

Love Honor xx

 

 

 

Its okay to not always know where you are going…

Recently my brother gave me a birthday voucher to go and lie in one of those flotation tanks for an hour then have a shiatsu massage. I stepped out of this experience all calm, peaceful and ‘floaty’ into the middle of little Bourke Street.  I then instantly came face to face with all these people with serious looks on their faces striding around really purposefully.  They were going to the opposite way to me, I had no idea where I was heading in that moment and was totally okay with that.

Lets extend this metaphor to life.  How many of us fill up our days with busy work and things that seem important? How many of us just get way too serious? Or way too weighed down with things? What do we do to make ourselves lighter? How do we help ourselves laugh?  Do we really need to be accountable for every single minute of our lives?

What about if we just wander for a bit…Remember how as a teenager you used to day dream? How you felt such joy in just being alive? we can lose that in adulthood with all our responsibilities..

I think its okay to not always have a plan. Sometimes we do need to just float for a bit and be open to new experiences and see where life takes us….This is where some of the most beautiful fruits of life will  be. So lets open up to a bit more spontaneity and enjoy the rewards it brings.

Love Honor xx

Releasing the struggle

I’ve always been a highly driven person that has worked really hard. Yet, over the past few months or so that has changed a bit. I haven’t felt motivated to work like this anymore. It worried me a bit and I had some thoughts like: Perhaps I’m experiencing some sort of low grade depression or a major dose of the procrastinations….

However today I had a bit of a light bulb moment around what is actually happening  – I realized that some- where deep down I’ve decided I’m sick and tired of the struggle and that what’s actually happening is that I’ve let it go.

So lately I’ve let go of the pressure or expectations of around what things need to turn out to be. This is true for work and relationships and life in general. For example, in work – if I don’t get that job or sign that client I recognize that this opportunity wasn’t the right fit for me…and I trust that more opportunities will flow in if I stay in positive energy and do what I need to do rather than dwelling in ‘busy’ work.

Society places a lot of silent expectations on us about how things ‘should’ be and they are often so silent we don’t even realize the guilt and anguish they cause if somehow our life doesn’t ‘fit’ with these expectations.

If we can take the time to listen to what we do need on a very personal and intimate level then that is key. It might be quite different to what the world around us is telling us we ‘should’. But living life to the beat of our own drum is the key to freedom.

Love Honor

Do you avoid things that challenge your comfort zone?

“ Fortune favours the bold” – Latin Proverb

Life challenges. We all have them right? It is part of being human. However, it is so easy and tempting to run away from a challenge rather than deal with it. This is because this avoidance temporarily makes life easier.  You don’t have to have that difficult conversation with your mother in law, you don’t need to think about that stressful assignment you need to do, or that scary talk you have to perform. Yes avoiding it makes it go away. But there is a HUGE cost in the long run which is missing out on the growth and freedom that lies on the other side of that discomfort.   Women need to be comfortable with being uncomfortable some of the time.

Wouldn’t it be brilliant if we could get into a mindset where we were actively able to face fears every single day? Wouldn’t it be incredible where our life would go?  This thought really illuminates how much hiding we all do. Think about all the things we worry about:

What people will think, will they think we are………fill in the blank (crazy, stupid, desperate, dumb, weird, unrespectable etc).  We spend soooo much time letting other people control our lives with these worries but at what cost? What are we missing out on with these fears…Following our dreams and passions that’s what!! What if you just said: Who cares!!  What I want to do and achieve in my life is actually more important than what anyone thinks. What if you priortizsed what you wanted to do above all else? Your life would be unrecognisably free! Its simple in theory but not so easy in practice as we all want approval. The funny thing is if you do what you need to do for you some people will approve and some won’t. Same as if you try and please everybody. Funny how it is really a no brainer. Yes if you follow your dreams some won’t get it and think you are crazy and you may get rejected and fail at times but you will achieve so much more of what you want and this will make you a happier person.

Love Honor xx

If you like this article please share it and stayed tuned for the rest of the article and vids in the series. For ones you may have missed please visit honornewman.com/blog.

Do you tend to repress your feelings, dreams and needs?

Because we are conditioned to put everyone else first, struggle to speak up for ourselves, repress our feelings and feel generally unworthy, it can be really difficult to listen to our own feelings dreams and needs. However, unless we have the courage to try new things and reach for our dreams we will always feel stuck.   We need to learn how to unlock that passionate energy that we all have so that we can feel truly alive.

Self-awareness is a vital element we need if we want to make a change in ourselves because if we are aware of the way we are then we have to power to adapt.   Self-awareness is about being tuned into what is going on within our body, mind and soul.  This may take practice if you are not used to it.  But that is okay.  To be self-aware we need to create space to reflect and tune into ourselves.  This can either be done by physically taking time out such as going to a quiet place to think, or by shifting our focus inward for a few moments in the middle of what we are normally doing.

So I want you to dig deep and ask yourself – what is that thing that really gets me feeling alive? What is the thing, or things that get me feeling really excited and perhaps a little bit intimidated? (cos you know often the thing we really want is a little bit scary to go for, excitement and fear often go hand in hand – I think it is because we really CARE about the things we are deeply passionate about). Then once you have found one or more things , can you think of one tiny action step that you can take to move towards that thing?

I help women to trace the roots of where low self- esteem developed to help them separate these events from their true worth which helps them build confidence. I also assist them in dropping their mask so they can be authentic in all situations.

Love Honor xx

P.S If you like this article please share it and stayed tuned for the rest of the article and vids in the series. For ones you may have missed please visit honornewman.com/blog.

P.P.S I hope you have found this helpful and I ‘d love to talk to you further about these things and you’re your feedback on what you thought. Please leave a comment or send me a message with constructive feedback. Alternatively if you’d like me to phone you to chat further please send me your name, phone no and email to: Honor@honornewman.com

Do you believe you are not good enough in life?

Women often believe they are not good enough

This little nasty belief lies at the centre of everything – I’m not good enough. This belief creates nearly every single symptom of distress women experience.  It is as if we in the West, despite all our material luxuries , are experiencing a low self -esteem epidemic.   So many of our symptoms, unhelpful behaviours and self sabotages stem from this one simple belief.

There are so many influences and assaults on our self -concept – the parenting we experienced, the educators we are exposed to, the media, our gender role, our culture…these all send powerful and often subliminal messages to our emerging self -concept from a very early age and continue quite relentlessly well into our lives without us quite realizing the full impact on us until we wake up one day feeling like there is something missing. Or everything just turns to shit and we don’t know why, or we just keep stuffing everything up.

So how might this low self -esteem show up in day to day life? I’ll give you an example:

Misty wakes up to the sound of her alarm blaring. Her first thought is – oh I don’t want to face another day of work bleugh…She reluctantly gets up and starts what she feels is the daily ‘grind’. At work she whinges with other colleagues about how it sucks that it is Monday.  All day at work she’s clock watching for 5pm when she can get out. But once she’s out there’s not much joy either, nothing to look forward to really, just a brief interlude before she’s back at work the next day.

How many people do you know operate like this?  To me it is tragic. What about if when Misty opened her eyes, she felt excited and inspired by another new day and couldn’t wait to get started on her new projects?  Because she’d cared about herself enough to follow her passions and give them an outlet. Rather than staying in a job she hates and feeling like every day is a chore.

This is just one of many examples of how this core belief can filter down and impact our life on a practical level making it feel dull and lifeless.

The good news is, if we can change this belief within ourselves we can create massive amounts of change in our lives. Could you take one micro-action – say to stand in front of the mirror every day and say to your reflection: I am enough. And just see how your life changes…

Love Honor xx

An article about passion, sex and vulnerability

Passion:

I’ve been thinking a lot about passion lately. It all started when I went to this business training seminar that was designed to help participants unlock their inner magic and communicate that with the world. Well for me it really worked. By going through the processes I felt more aligned with my destiny than ever before.  It was like a light bulb had been turned on inside my whole body and I was on fire. I thought wow! This is what people are missing out on in when they trudge away at the grind.  That’s really sad.  This passionate energy that was unlocked I have to admit was fairly overwhelming because it was so strong.

Honestly I did not really know how to cope with it and realized it’s not really something any one talks about.   I was lucky enough to have some great conversations with people about it and they felt inspired by my honestly and vulnerability in opening up to them about it. The thing about passion is that it is also sexual energy and that’s where all the taboos still are. It is funny that even in this day and age there as still so many of us that aren’t open about sex. I feel society has such strict proscriptions about how we should express this energy and to veer from this engages extremely harsh judgement which makes it so difficult for people to be honest about what they are experiencing or struggling with sexually.  So if we can’t talk about sex how do we talk about passion? And fulfillment? And reaching our destiny? As I believe they are interlinked.What I realized was that what I was experiencing was purely and simply the life-force.  Which kinda seems to me to be what everyone should be experiencing if we are truly living?

Vulnerability

Why are we so afraid to be vulnerable with others when that is where true connection lies as we show our real humanity?  Why do we all wear the mask? To stop being hurt? But when does the mask change from being a protector to a self- made prison? We need to take it off sometimes to experience intimacy with others.

I know I have a wild self; it’s a part of me that needs to run naked through the forest and howl at the moon sometimes. It can be hard to give that part of me an outlet in this clinical, technological culture.  We all have that part of ourselves whether we realize it or not.  Once we tap into it we tap into an incredible power within ourselves which can feel overwhelming as we are not taught how to handle it or channel it.  We are all fundamentally animals with deep and primal parts to ourselves. It needs positive outlets which I think will be unique to each person.

What about you? Are you in touch with your wild, passionate self? Or would you like to be? Let me know you’re thoughts…email me on honor@honornewman.com and we can have chat.

 

The Confident, Calm and Connected Woman

When you enter therapy you might feel miserable, desperate and alone.  There may be a sense of failure that you have to do this. But you are in for a pleasant surprise, because although the journey through won’t be smooth sailing, the benefits you will experience will be incredible. Not only will you feel so much better about everything in your life and within yourself, you will learn so much! And this learning is something you can use to help others for the rest of your life.  You will be able to connect to others in a way that you couldn’t before because of how you have changed and what you have learned.  Instead of being stressed and anxious so much of the time, you will feel at peace with things and confident to take the steps forward and to do the things you want to do in your life.  Also if you see the process through to completion it is unlikely you will need medication such as anti-depressants or Valium.  You’ll be able to live a drug free life which is so much better for your body.

The power of a changed mind

Before I went on holiday I admit I was stressed.  Weighed down under the weight of business, chores, errands, finances, family, and work.  I think I’d lie awake most nights stressing about everything and wondering how I’d gotten to this point with all I know about psychology and self -care etc. Luckily, my holiday was like the intervention I needed.  The distance from my life situation helped me to see and decide that I didn’t want to continue living this way and then I realised that I had a choice about that.

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citypsychologist, honor

My aim this year is not to lose weight so much as lose my issues with weight…..

My aim this year is not to lose weight so much as lose my issues with weight because being on the yo- yo diet mill for most of my life frankly I’m sick of it. I’ve thought about it a lot, and yes I have done hypnotherapy, more than once and I don’t know why, but it didn’t work on me, anyway, I think the solution is really the same as it is for most things – Have your ever noticed that the more you chase something the more it runs away? And it is only when you loosen your grip on it and care that little bit less that it starts coming your way? Ever tried to get rid of a some-one you weren’t interested in? Alternatively, were you ever so desperate to be with someone you became completely clingy and turned them off?

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Are you following your own path, or doing what you ‘should’ do?

I have written about this before but I feel it is such an important topic I want to write about it again. The gap between …

‘Life is (often) what happens when you are making other plans’ What life is vs what we expect

Has your life turned out exactly as you expected or close to? If yes, are you happy with that? Or has life thrown you curve …

Its okay to not always know where you are going…

Recently my brother gave me a birthday voucher to go and lie in one of those flotation tanks for an hour then have a shiatsu …